Reconnecting with the family at the end of a hectic day can be challenging. Parents become FBI agents without realizing it. For instance have you ever had a conversation like this with your child?
Me: “How was school?”
Reply: “Good”
Me: “How was soccer?”
Reply: “Good”
Me: “Do you have a lot of homework?”
Reply: “Yes”
Me: “Well it was great talking with you Sarah.”
If you recognize yourself you are not alone. I thought conversations like this would evolve as my children grew, but instead sometimes they actually became worse. Away at college, interacting over the telephone became even more challenging. So what can we do to connect in some meaningful way? The best technique I have found is sticking to one topic; let’s say soccer and asking open ended questions about it. For instance: “Tell me about changes you would make in the line up if you could to make the team more effective….” Or: “Describe practice today…” Or: “Why do you think the coach spends so much time on that?” It is fun also to use disclosure on your part to get conversations going at the dinner table, tell you family about an issue or incident at work that got you thinking and ask how they might have reacted. If a colleague held you hostage at the coffee pot describing his recent vacation ask for ideas on how they think you should handle similar situations or if they have ever been in the same boat. Good conversations often require preparation but are worth the investment!
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January 27th, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in reembrace | Comments Off
There are times when the best way to helpfully communicate is simply with silence. An example all of us can identify with might be when your partner expresses his frustration with his lack of the gym time this week. Instead of offering unsolicited advice: “Have you thought about taking lunch at your desk and devoting that hour to the gym?” try acknowledging what you heard with: “That sounds frustrating.” or “I’m sorry” or even: “Is there anything I can do to help?” If your girlfriend lets you know she overwhelmed she is feeling with maintaining her New Year’s resolution to prepare healthy meals rather than picking up fast food, indicate your empathy with: “It sounds like you are really busy.” Or: “Good for you for making the effort.” Most of us are problem solvers at heart and cannot pass on an opportunity to supply advice, even advice that is not requested. A quote from my new book: The Fine Art of the Big Talk (Hyperion) is taken from Wolfgang Mozart “The silence between the notes is what makes the music.”
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January 24th, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in rediscover | Leave a Comment »
Many of us are looking at balancing our budgets, or certainly at getting the best value for our money. Last week I helped balance my budget by releasing the second book in The Fine Art of series. On January 15, 2008, my newest tome: The Fine Art of the Big Talk How to Win Clients, Deliver Great Presentations, and Solve Conflicts at Work (Hyperion) hit the book shelves (does Amazon have book shelves as well?). Big talk relates to a lot of our New Year’s resolutions. For instance, big talk can be those conversations we avoid…asking our partner to help in sticking to a budget, but finding a way to do it that does not come across as critical and is simply asking for support. Or a discussion about how we as a family wish to spend our money. The topic of money is one many couples do not discuss in detail, which can create enormous problems in the future. Resentment can build when things are left unsaid. If your goal is to make the most of your food dollar while at the same time offering healthy food for the family allow Whole Foods to be your guide. Do your research at their stores and on their web site, whether looking into bulk foods or Organic everyday values and then approach you partner with information about the how and why to accomplishing this goal. The more prepared we are for conversation the more likely we are to come to an agreement with those we hope to partner with. Do not forget to solicit your partner’s opinion and give verbal appreciation for their support.
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January 21st, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in rebalance | Leave a Comment »
This morning I caught up on some magazine reading (on the machine at the gym of course!). An article about weight loss caught my eye. Describing all kinds of success and the use of healthy food choices, the sidebar to the article was very interesting. “Be wary of friends and family out to sabotage your success!” An example given was of a friend encouraging their friend to have a piece of cake, despite protestations. “You deserve to reward yourself, you are looking so good!” Wow! That does sound like sabotage, and even with the best of intentions is not supportive of a friend’s wish to decline calories. Although we cannot control what our friends and family say to us, whatever their intentions, we can control what we say to others. Let’s all be careful out there to offer only comments and suggestions that are helpful to someone reaching their goals. Anyone ever said something to you that seemed like sabotage? I would love to hear back from you.
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January 11th, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in reshape | 10 Comments »
Getting to the gym has been a priority of mine since I lost over 60 pounds in 1988. Wow! I just realized that was 20 years ago! 2008 is still not familiar to me yet! Every Sunday I determine which one or two days I get off from working out and plan accordingly. I was remembering what a struggle it was to workout in the beginning of my weight loss journey. And not just for the obvious reason; I was out of shape. Instead, just entering the gym could become a stressful and uncomfortable moment. With a baby and toddler in tow I would head into the gym, nursery first then aerobics. It was the greeting I received at the front desk that made me try to become invisible, with warm and friendly intentions the person taking my membership card would exclaim: “Hi Debra, it is great to see you! It’s been a while!” Sounds pleasant enough, right? Wrong. A seriously overweight woman who wants the spotlight anywhere but on her, who knows that it is painfully obvious by the way she looks she is not a gym regular, does not want to know that the person at the front desk has taken note of this as well. Words can hurt. A better greeting for someone who is trying might be: “With all you have going on, 2 little kids, etc. it is amazing that you make it to the gym. Hooray for you!” A compliment about someone’s positive behavior goes a long way. Let’s look for opportunities to compliment those around us who are making quality choices about diet and exercise. Anyone else have similar weight loss stories to share?
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January 9th, 2008 by debra fine
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Monday morning begins the first new week of the New Year. Long term solutions in my life always seem so daunting, especially in the beginning. Making the world a better place is a lofty goal but one that seems out of my control. Whole Foods has done a good job outlining many different ways I can make a difference, from buying bulk foods to using recycled grocery bags. I know I can multiply that difference by influencing others. This weekend we headed to Whole Foods for our weekly shopping run, and in addition to taking the time to buy brown rice from bulk rather than picking up the package (something I tend to do when rushing, and I always seem to be rushing) I took a moment to alert my husband to the bag of brown rice in the cart. We frequently dash to different areas of the store as we run down our list, adding to the cart. But I have never taken a minute to tell Steve why I buy bulk, and actually wondered if he even noticed when I did. In less than a minute I explained the reduction in packaging (not to mention saving money!). A simple concept, but one I had never communicated to Steve. Now when he has the occasion to shop on his own I hope he will take the time to take advantage of bulk foods when he can. It takes just a moment to let our family members, friends and colleagues know the actions in our lives that make a positive difference, and that is how our little contribution can multiply. As I write this it occurred to me that I should let him that I choose the salmon with the MSC (Marine Stewardship Council) label because it indicates the producer is supporting sustainable fisheries is a message I had never communicated to Steve either. Consider your influence on others and the positive difference it can make!
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January 7th, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in rediscover | 2 Comments »
We are a few days into 2008 and hopefully you have adopted some long term lifestyle solutions. What can you do to win at making long lasting changes? My answer is: enlist the support of someone else. Request that a spouse or partner, friend, child, parent or colleague help you with motivating comments, words of appreciation and positive feedback. Asking people for what you want is more likely to get them to join you in your efforts. Do not expect others to read your mind or know what you need. Research shows that the support of a person close to you is the difference needed to achieve success in attaining our goals. For years I struggled with being very overweight and felt awfully alone and embarrassed. I felt guilty enough about my weight problem that I worried about asking for help. I feared help meant someone would “keep me in line” or “let me know when I went off track”. But that is not the kind of support that is helpful and certainly why I avoided asking for help. Instead, we can solicit positive comments on our actions and behavior and request verbal appreciation for our efforts. Will you share some examples of when you have given or received positive feedback? I would love to hear back from you. If you have examples of comments that are good intentioned but discouraging I would appreciate those as well. I look forward to hearing back from you and sharing your comments with others.
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January 4th, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in reshape | 1 Comment »
There are positive changes we all want to make in our lives. In fact, a recent survey conducted by Opinion Research Corporation for Whole Foods Market found that 75 percent of us would prefer to never make a New Year’s resolution again, wanting, instead, to adopt lasting healthy lifestyle solutions. This survey also found that nearly 70 percent of us would be more likely to make long-term positive changes if we did so with someone else and that the way we communicate with that someone else matters!
Clearly communication plays an important role in making lasting changes; and my hope is that, as 2008 kicks off, this blog can serve as an interactive resource to help us all communicate more effectively in order to help turn one-time uninspired resolutions into lasting lifestyle solutions.
Throughout January, I will be sharing different communication tips and strategies important to encouraging lasting changes in our lives, as well as some potential conversation pitfalls and guidelines for avoiding them, complete with some entertaining real life examples.
To create a truly interactive experience, I welcome all comments and questions and encourage you to share examples of the ways in which communication with someone close to you has either helped or hindered your journey on the path to long-term lifestyle changes.
I look forward to our future conversations…
Sincerely,
Debra
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January 1st, 2008 by debra fine
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
